2012 No Pepper Wrap-Up

The Crown, The Chalice, The Champ

The Crown, The Chalice, The Champ and his Court. The 2012 Pimps ride again, with Shandler and The Hoppers on the podium.

Big Pimpin’ – 2012 Was the Year We Got Speared! As Predicted…Yawn.

You must listen while reading, if only I could add bottle service:

Brooklyn? huh dat ain’t him. Miami? nahh, he don’t speak the Spanish. Houston? you serious, he don’t drink the purple stuff. Albuquerque? maybe HE’S Heisenberg. Listen the dude doesn’t sling glass, he doesn’t drink the purple stuff, and he isn’t selling bumps in South Beach. He’s just a man with a hot girlfriend selling poker apps, making a name for himself Pimpin’ in Santa Monica. Who is this man, well he has a wicked short game, a soft spot for 90’s hair rock and a love for young asian youporn.com. How did he prolapse our anuses? Well he didn’t rip it and tear it through the draft just look at his picks, quite possibly the worst draft of all time. Only 6 of his 18 draft picks ended up on his team:

Round 1: Pablo (Another broken hamate, top 75 hitter 59 R, 12 HR, 63 RBIs)
Round 2: Ike Davis (Spent 30 days in the dog house. Did hit 32 HRS)
Round 3: Sean Marshall (lost the closer job in May)
Round 4: Ryan Dempster (traded to Texas)
Round 5: Javy Guerra (Sent to the minors and out for the year)
Round 6: Ardolis (Okay he does throw lightning, but he was Marshall’s back-up during the draft)
Round 7: Worley (quality for a few months but the floating spurs ended his season)
Round 8: Romo (back-up closer until July when Casilla’s arm fell off)
Round 9: Jon Jay (Okay, a mid-tier OFer)
Round 10: John Niese (Okay two in a row here. Good Top 20 starter)
Round 11: Jurrjens (Ahh fuck horrible pick)
Round 12: Pastornicky (Another one. SS of the ATL sent to AAA replaced by Simmons)
Round 13: Ian Stewart (Oh Jesus make it stop. Cubs 3B cut in mid-June)
Round 14: Kyle Blanks (Oh my Lord, this guy won our league. OFer is SD, hurt and gone before season even started)
Round 15: R. Tejada (Sometimes starting SS for the Mets)
Round 16: Gerardo Para (Lost his starting Gig)
Round 17: Aoki (He dumped his one gem and Shandler rode him to second place)
Round 18: Parnell (He was dumped early when Francisco got the closer gig)

So how the eff did Spears do it? Maybe grabbing Homer, Murphy, Colvin and Everth from waivers, sure that’s good. But the width and girth entering our out-hole came from The Dread Pirate, Cargo, Hill and Upton making up 40% of his offense. That’s it. Pretty simple shit, the Pimp smeared our faces in that herpes infested snatch nest of keepers and we’re all infected at least for the next 180 days. But I will make my one slam dunk prediction for 2013. Spears will not repeat. He loses Cutch, Cargo and Upton to contract expiration. So 2012 is up for grabs folks. So stitch up your brown star, start kegeling because March is right around the corner.

I did promise Yosh that after my near fatal/paralysis accident in Hawaii that I turned a corner with my anger and that I am a much kinder version of me…Well read what else I saw this season…with much less venom:

Shandler’s List: Like I predicted back in June, Yosh would ride again and guess what, he grabbed 2nd place on the back of Howard, Werth and Pagan. Dude is a Fantasy maestro and would have won it all if the season went another 30 days and Howard didn’t work out with iron pipes.
Hoppers™– If I was to talk to myself in my old angry cynical tone, I’d say “Why the fuck does he use the Waiver Wire like the CatHouse? He made 211 transactions, playing 75 hitters and 59 pitchers. Commit bro, it’s not that hard.” Well I guess I did lose the 3 best NL pitchers, (Beachy, Greinke, Johan) early in the season, and Boniface and Drew were all but dead. Maybe I am just the greatest quilt maker in the history of fantasy.
Pissed Pants – One RBI, one stinking RBI from Ryan tiny matzah balls Braun. Dude is smacking the clear and ends the year as one of the best hitters yet again, but can’t hit the 2-seamer from Tommy Layne. Ouch.
Mighty Decibels – Wow, what a final two day meltdown, lost 5 points in two days. But Jacobson, David Wright can’t be your only slugger, and unfortunately you will be saying goodbye to the Wright years…3 years goes by soooo fast.
Fedora de Oro: Seriously one lesson in fantasy don’t drunk dump. Seriously you dumped Axford and Yonder Alonso. You single-handedly breathed unnecessary life into the Scrubs and the Hoppers grabbed 15 saves and a 2.60ERA.
2011 Champion Loose Bowels: What a poor poor effort. Really, the dude had stellar hold-overs with Morse, Stanton, Kershaw and Stressberg. Yeah there were some injuries, but the supporting cast was just soft. After your 2011 tear we expected more.
Gagnon: Weak dude, just super weak. So glad you started playing this year with three days to go. Grabbing Marcum and Hefner to prevent others from starting them…very weak.
Diaper: Congrats dude, you moved up one spot from 10->9. Seriously Abbott where are you? I’ve envied your pitching staff all year, can you start playing next year. #1 Draft Pick 2011, Votto, #2 Draft 2012, Cutch? with that starting line-up he should be a player next year.
Wags: Wow, what a fall from grace. Your like the Rae Carruth of this league. Was it a divorce, job loss, children, broken back? Where are you? You just quit on us, me specifically. No trade this year spells, “Something is going on in the Wag household.” Fantasy is important get with the program WAGS! You were missed.

Here are my annual awards:
Best Waiver Pick: Kyle Lohse – Scrubs did something right, 16 Wins, 143K, 2.86 ERA, 1.09 WHIP…WOW
Best Drunk Dump: Tie John Axford by Golden hats, 15 Saves from the time he dumped to end of year and Scrubs dumping of Homer Bailey, who could blame Homer has been a project for 5 years.
Worst start of the year: Diaper Dandies -> May 2, 2012 A.J. Burnett 12 runs in 2.2 innings his ERA rose from 1.38 to 8.04.
Worst Trade: Hoppers – The only trade, I blame Spears here. J.D. Martinez from Decibels for Rolen from Hoppers. Rolen posted 77ABs 20 hits, 2 HRs, 6Rs and 11 RBIs and hit .260, JD had 9 hits with 1 RBI.
Worst Pitching Staffof all-Pepper Time: Pissed Pants -> 120 starts, 936 Ks, 43 Saves and a respectable 72 wins. Yeah he led ERA but with 120 starts I could too. Maybe your mouse broke, 21 free agents picked up. I did that in 2 days.

Best Draft Day Steal: Mighty Mighty Deb Tones-> with pick #223 he steals Lance Lynn.
Worst Draft Day blunder: Fedora De Oro -> and with his first pick….DEE GORDON!
Waiver Wire Slutfest: Hoppers -> I can’t explain what the hell I was doing, but I started 72 different outfielders, lost half of my starters to TJ and the AL. Can you blame me. Just call me Bobby Dusty Valentine.
Best Draft: Shandy’s List -> He is a maestro of the mouse, the king of the click, the tyrant of tapping, dude grabbed Werth, Ethier, Pagan, Dickey, and Hudson in the draft. He is my mini-Buddha on my dashboard.
Biggest Fantasy Surprise that Broke My Heart: The disappearance of Wags. Such a shame.
Biggest Douche Move of the season: Scrubs picking up Marcum already having hit his 180 and dumping later that day. It’s a douche move.
Best Move of the Season: Attending spring training back in March. It was a great trip and I suggest we all get our acts together and make the trip. I do have to say that The Champion Condo will only be occupied by the Champion, Wild Card and Closer: Spears, Yosh and yes Me! The rest of yous need to bunk up somewhere else.

Here are my early predictions for 2013:
The Pimp Goes Limp in 2013 for Spears. It’s over at least for 2013…
The Yosh outdrafts all of us!
Carl Crawford will be fantasy gold…
The loss of the Astros will forever screw our league…Spears we need some help here
Wags re-appears in an Iraqi shelter with an orange beard and a rift with the Vice President (See Homeland)
Gagnon joins Urie’s operating committee and immediately starts touting about the EMI mid-line
This Tom Soldan character shows up to Spring Training sporting baggy jeans a puffy D’Backs jacket and immediately starts calling everyone “Bitch“…finds Marmol and offers him some of the purest glass he’s ever seen. Anything to get his closers closing.
And the big one…..I predict that the Hoppers win it all. Why the fuck not. I spent all day writing this.

It’s been fun guys, here’s to another off-season of makin’ it rain and finding Valentine’s replacement!

Much Love


Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy

92 Problems and a Pimp ain’t one – The Mid-Season Recap
Posted: Jun 29, 3:32 PM
Mr. Spears has 92 points. The last time I saw a Pimp with a 92, Reggie White, was busting through the Vikings O-line with a hole in his hammy. Speaking of holes in his hammy Spears can’t hold up this pace. Spears has more holes in his hammy’s then the sluts he speared in Miami…
– Starting pitching: Leading in 4 of 5 categories, but it’s a house of cards…Capuano, Niese & Homer are his starters. Dempster is going to NYY, Worley has loose bodies, but his dolly Madison is the best 4th starter since our 4th president in 1807 James Madison.
– Closers: Arollis — did you see that fucking somersault? No way he lasts.
– Hitting: The Dread Pirate — is the best player in baseball, no question, but Ike? Gaby? Kirk? McCan’t See the ball, and he is one moment away from a bench full of busted hammys…we’ve all dealt with it, so will he.
Final predictions:
Shandler 74 (Have you seen his bench and the power surge coming back in July)
Pimps 72 (Bold statement but true, Justin is playing like BJ, Cargo will move East to Boston)
Oro 71 (Look for a Closer trade from this man, if he does, he will get a bat)

No Pepper Predictions
Posted: Apr 3, 7:44 PM
Painfully my predictions are quelled this year by my humbling draft. We are all hopeful for the upcoming season, but after Sunday evening’s activities, my hope has turned to despair. This might be the year where I lose for one of the big 3 Pimp OFers. Here is how I see it:
10. Davis Hoppers – Somehow Yosh got a hold of my draft list and picked up every guy I needed, wanted or dreamed of. The outfield is suspect and the power left to 8 Mile Detroit. If the pitchers pitch the way the prognosticators say, then they may end up as high as 5th.
9. Part Time Pee Courier – First time jitters will not take The Urinators past the 9th hole. The Three Amigoz of Sanchez, Garza, and GiGonzalez may be the weakest starting three.
8. Diaper Dandies – After Votto, the line-up is soft. After Lee the staff is soft, overall an improvement from 2011, but may be in need of some Viagra.
7. The Golden Hats – Spent the draft drooling over Dee and forgot to get some arms. I like their chances if they had more than 2.5 arms. Hanson is the 1/2.
6. Club Gagnon – Pitching looks more solid than 2011, but the lack of power will hurt. Speed and Wins don’t win this league.
5. Wicked Loaded – There might be some power, but the team BA won’t be above .235 and if Kemp’s 17 Spring K’s hold-up, he might be looking at a power outage.
4. Gary Shandler’s List – The All-star team of 2003 or The 30+ers will fade in the summer heat. Tim Hudson, Chipper Jones, Ryan MedicalWard, Furcal, Werthless, and Helton all will be DL bound if not there already.
3. Mighty Metal- Need more power, but if he can survive in a down NL year for power, the rest of the team will pick it up.
2. We’ve Got the Runs – Hitting looks good, pitching is good, if BeastMode doesn’t bring the Mike back to Giancarlo, he’ll win the league.
1. Surprise Pimps – 4 of the best 5 category guys on the same team. Starting pitching may be soft. The big three are on the last year of their contracts so a deadline deal for an ace is in order.


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