2013 No Pepper “It’s A Wrap”

2013 No Pepper “It’s a Wrap”

June trashed the chalices

June trashed the chalices

Whoops He Did It Again

The Pimp ran away with it. He is a maestro of the mouse, his draft lists go for $1000 on ebay, and guys, game, set, match he’s off the market. That’s right our boy is engaged to be married. You know what that means…FANTASY OBLIVION. I am one that’s returned from the black hole of fantasy death. It all starts with a comment like “Why are you always looking at your phone?” Then she accuses you of cheating. SO to fight this false accusation, you scream out, “Honey it’s fine, it’s just my fantasy baseball team.” She then looks at you like you fucked the cat and says “You waste that much time on your fantasy (fake) baseball team, when we could be making love on the beach sipping wine.” That’s it, one conversation where she threatens the loss of that pipe dream of her naked body on a beach with two umbrella drinks melting away in the hot sun. Guys, hear me say this, that doesn’t happen after the honeymoon, so draw a line in the sand and remind her that your personal freedom is still important. That’s why Mr. Puig (Spears) is handing in his Pimp Chalice for his Pimp Coffee Cup, because June will throw away his Hurricane Hurricane plastic cup collection, his Rob Chudzinski jersey, his Garvey FatHead and most importantly his Pimp Chalices. He can at least hide his Pimp mug by turning it backward in the cupboard. Good Luck!

So how did our illustrious leader do it? First off, he skipped out on Spring Training, which from the season rankings, was a great choice. Was it his amazing draft wizardry of taking Choo and Segura? Or was it his amazing pitching staff of Niese, Estrada and MadBum? No, it was simply his error ridden, camera destroying, Cuban defecting, Right Fielder that sparked the city of Angels and the SM Pimps to wake up and win him the championship…again. The Puigs as they will be named moving forward, were lounging in 4th place with a paltry 64 points pre All-Star break. Then the cigar was called up to the Bigs. He swatted, erred and in just 382 ABs had a better season than Bryce Harper, Buster Posey, Anthony Rizzo and Pedro Alvarez. Yeah that’s right, in 382 AB he outslugged those top position players. So you might be asking, “That’s it, one offensive bat can win you a No Pepper Chalice?” No silly, that’s not it, you need pitching and support bats. So if you want your Fantasy 101 from a real expert, then Jeff Puig follows these basic rules. High K/9 pitchers: He held over MadBum, he drafted JoseFerby and he dropped then picked up JonNiese and MarcEstrada. Those four pitchers and two top closers generated…yep 41.5 points from that staff. His pitching alone outperformed The Brownstreaks, Diaper’s Doodies and The Losers. Add a splash of Puig, Segura’s legs, Choo’s Ohio outburst and Hunter’s one week of insanity and you have yourself a championship season. Except for the fact that he continues to hold-over that fat fuck from SF.

Falls flat for cake

Falls flat for cake

Now how about the rest of us:

Mighty Mighty Carpenters (No he’s not Jesus Christ):

The most underwhelming second place finish ever. He just picked up my waiver dumps and built a quality season. Marlon Byrd, Josh Rutledge and Culberson were all Hoppers at one point, actually two of them were draft picks. The combination of Carpenter and Daniel Murphy, and the 49 year old Todd Helton carried him to second place. Just as Puig sparked a championship for The Puigs, Another Dodger sparked the Mighty Mighty Uribe’s, no not U—-Ribe, but B-Wheezy. The Carpenter’s may have had the worst hold-overs followed by a mismanaged draft, but all in all, the dude passed us all and ended up with the Silver.

The Hoppers:

Enough already. Stop with the waiver wire. When you read this next year, I hope you read this carefully, STOP DROPPING PLAYERS! Over 200 moves does not build a championship. I irritate myself.

The Runs:

Another 4th place finish. Probably the best starting pitching staff in all of Pepperland, but did you ever have a full roster of pitchers? His draft was a giant skid mark, After four solid picks, he drafted the worst OF of all-times. His flurrious clicking gave him Logan Morrison, Juan Pierre, Lucas Duda, John Mayberry, Cody Ross and Tabata. All in all, he built a quality team from a few trades and some solid waiver transactions.

The Scrubs:

There was a moment in July when Gagnon had his team  in 3rd place with 69 points. Yep, then he traveled to Europe, forgot about his team and he slid back to the middle of the pack. That moment, I sent Jeff Puig a text and said “Gagnon’s team is on fire” but that text was quickly followed by a Halladay shoulder surgery, Utley/CarGo DL stint and Wandy season popper. At some point he won’t be working for EMIVERSAL and will have the free time to dedicate his summer to the Scrubs.

The Jinx of Espinosa (The Lids of Gold):

His season was jinxed by drafting our modern day Dykstra, Danny Espinosa. He left quality on the table like Greinke. The Jinx of Espinosa ruined Papelbon’s season, and froze Freese’s bat.

The Brownettes:

Garrett, probably the most polarizing entrance to the No Pepper league of all-times. That is saying a lot after we’ve seen douches draft all Cubs while selling Saturns and Jody “God’s Gift” let us all know how wonderful he was. Garrett held-over Randall Delgado, started 4 batters per day and drafted/acquired most of the 2013 Cubs. After his early season sputters, he did build a quality team, but it was too little too late. Again a little summer loving may bring the Brownspots a title in 2014. He just needs to ignore the jazz catalog programs and the 50th Anniversary of Miles Davis’ something or other and pick-up a few pitchers.  Apple’s ascot wearing jazz merchant will always be remembered for his Delgado. A term that will ever be defined as the “Bad Holdover” verb. Like “Wow I can’t believe Doug Delgadoed with Kubel.”

Diaper Dandies and Exonerated Losers:

Combined for 40 waiver moves. 40…that’s ridiculous. Play the game or leave the league. Listen Tom Soldan is a new member of the league so he gets a pass. He also was jinxed with having the two worst Ryans in all of sports. Braun and Howard ruined the economies of their local cities with their piss poor arrogance, poor play and denial of the juice. But Abbott!!! You had no excuses. Two last placish finishes, and you got the Dread Pirate!! No excuses. It’s time to sack up and hand over your Username and Password to Jeff Puig. OH but before you do that, please trade Darwin Barney to Garrett.

 

And finally the year end awards:

Best High Value Draft Pick:

The 234 Pick — Davis Hoppers draft Marlon Byrd

 

Worst Draft Day Blunder:

Easily Danny Espinosa for The Lids of Gold

 

Worst Drunk Dump of 2013: 

On May 1st 8:04 am EST, Davis Hoppers dropped Marlon Byrd

 

The Worst Pitching Staff Ever V.2:

The Diaper Dandies in his retirement season, he had 119 starts only 56 Wins and 806 Ks.

 

The Worst Closers Ever:

The Exonerated Losers had 5 saves.

 

The Player most likely to have an STD:

Cameron Maybin, dude was dumped and picked-up more times than John Mayer.

 

Best Waiver Wire Pick-up:

Kevin Gregg – Yep he was on the Hoppers for a few weeks.

 

 

…and finally, you may have noticed that I neglected to mention Jim Yoshii and his fabulous Shandler’s List. Well I’m just doing what he did to his team all season long.

 

Here’s to some spirited Fall Ball, Winter Meetings that include a trade of David Price to the Cubs, Ellsbury signing with the Rockies and Brian McCann never blocking the plate of a National League hitter again.

 

On to 2014 where we look to dethrone The Puig before June does.

Some of my favorite 2013 GIFS:

Be gone Sgt. McCann

Be gone Sgt. McCann

Sgt. McCann at it again.

Sgt. McCann at it again.

Look at BWheezy look on in disgust.

Look at BWheezy look on in disgust.

Pence blew Petit perfect game.

Pence blew Petit perfect game.

Homer Bailey is perfect

Homer Bailey is perfect

Hudson busted by Eric Young, Jr. Garrett chuckles

Hudson busted by Eric Young, Jr. Garrett chuckles

Boofuckinghoo, try being Shane Victorino or Q

Boofuckinghoo, try being Shane Victorino or Q

Love the Hoppers

Love the Hoppers

How's My Ass Taste Villar

How’s My Ass Taste Villar

Jim cries, Spears cheers! Sox 2013

Jim cries, Spears cheers! Sox 2013

Adios Amigos! Here’s to our road trip to Arizona in 2014

ROAD TRIP!

ROAD TRIP!

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