2014 – NO PEPPER “IT’S A WRAP” Championship Edition

DAVIS HOPPER CHAMPION

DAVIS HOPPER CHAMPION

YOU BET YOUR ASS I WON THIS THING!

Let’s take a look back at how all of this happened:

An excerpt from the Russ Eisenman diary
September 27, 2002

Dear diary….There is no way this marriage will last, I love my two kids I couldn’t imagine those insane people who have four. I hope we sell a lot of CDs on Super Tuesday. I think I successfully raped EMI for some awesome Q4 positioning. I hope this iPod thing doesn’t take off. They’ve only sold 600,000 of them. I really hate this Creed record. I think this might be the year of Elvis. I can’t believe Stan Goman turned the “E” in Tower Records on South Street and received no no co-op. This guy Yoshii is a pretty amazing field rep, stickering The Vines and Coldplay. Does Gagnon still have to continue to push his EMI mid-line? Apparently Aaron Striegel thinks it’s crap. Fucking Shaggy. I hear Foley is pushing some website for Wamu mortgages. Doug was busted trolling young co-eds in Austin with his chocolate locks and a set of drum sticks in his back pocket. Jeans ripped of course. This Jeff Spears dude with dirty dreads hidden behind his “U” visor wants me to join his fantasy baseball league…sure why not, I’ll win it probably multiple times. The baseball Gods are quietly pumping the juice in the balls and our favorite sluggers. Bonds hit .370 with 200 walks, I hope he doesn’t suck a dick in the World Series and let Lackey laugh all the way to the bank. Goodbye diary until next time.

Fast forward
2003 8th place
2004 9th place
2005 7th place
2006 7th place
2007 7th place
2008 7th place
2009 6th place
2010 4th place
2011 2nd place
2012 3rd place
2013 3rd place
2014…..March 24, 2014
Eisenman — humbled by the league elders…Spears, Abbott, Gagnon Anthis and Jacobson laughing in their corner offices as this kid named Hopper joined a stacked league. A divorce, several more kids, several more jobs, broken neck, broken back, some jail time, the Peavy years, the Furcal years, the Halladay years and then 2013. He rode several 7th place finishes, choked on the last day of the season in 2011, posted angry chats, he vowed to retire, call it quits, with his cock in hand and pride on the ground he made one final spreadsheet tab on his draft sheet and quietly walked into the the draft room on March 24, 2014 hoping this would be the year. This was it, the final year…fast forward to September….

Another excerpt from the Russ Eisenman diary
September 27, 2014

Dear diary….I’m exhausted, I once had a 16 point lead. I drafted the best team in history and here we go again. Doug is up my ass and Spears once again sipping from his Pimp chalice making a run at the top. Why do the fantasy Gods hate me? It’s been twelve years of grinding this shit out. Drafting and dumping, holding over garbage like Chad Qualls and Beast Mode Nyjer Morgan. It’s been a long rise to the top, longer than I expected. I haven’t slept in three days. My team’s decided to stop hitting. Pence at .094 over his last 8 games. I’m lost, I have no where to turn, so I am going to pray…pray to those we’ve lost. [Hands clenched, on knees, bending over my bed, penalized 15 yards on the kick-off] Dear Darryl, Ken and Ryan, I know you’re up there in fantasy baseball heaven, all three of you have been a part of the Davis Hoppers, probably for a few at bats or innings, but don’t blame me. We lost you too early. Ryan Freel your fleet footedness on the bases, Darryl Kile, your 133 career wins and 6.9 K/9 rate was appreciated and yes Ken Caminiti, you did provide a mid-season spark with your career 239 HRs and .270 batting average, we will never forget and I will dedicate the final day of the season to you. I pray that you give Rizzo the swagger to finish strong, Gerrit Cole the juice to punch out 12 batters, Cole Hamels the strength to overcome a first inning meltdown and please give Kimbrel one last shot at 47 saves. I promise to live the good life, raise my kids right, think before I text, stop masturbating to jean short porn and to to stop trolling my players on Instagram. I promise to pay attention to my wife and to stop watching the MLB At Bat app on my phone. Please, please, please deliver this victory. Amen, Russ

September 28, 2014
As the clouds parted, Rizzo hit a homer and stole a base, Hopper pitchers strike out 30 and the team hit .384 for the day. It was over…The Hoppers pulled this shit out after 12 years of fantasy depression. 86.5 points.

HOPPERS WIN

HOPPERS WIN

.
.
So now what? Now what does he do? He writes the most scathing year end review in the history of year end reviews.

Put on your headphones and hit play…because this shit is going to get real, very very fast.

If I had a poolside cabana, you wouldn’t be invited
If I had bottle service, I’d make sure you wait behind the velvet rope
If I had a PA, I would tell her not to take your call
If I had an iPhone 6+ I would send you straight to voicemail
If I had a boat, I’d tell Pitbull to make you wait on the dock
If I had a talk show I’d bump you for Rachel Ray
Because I’m a motherfucking champion, top of the rock!!!

Let’s recap the league Elders —

The Pimp got married, knocked up his wife and pretty much made this the summer of June.

The Pimp could give a shit

The Pimp could give a shit

Gagnon rekindled his marriage and actually posted some photos of her. She’s like the Loch Ness of the No Pepper league. Myth or fact, do we really believe she exists? I have photo proof.

Lady Gags

Lady Gags

Yoshii drank many beers, attended 55 baseball games, became a land owner in Kentucky, lost Cespedes, Russell and Doolittle did just that…

Doonothing

Doonothing

Garrett oh Garrett. Went off the grid, hiked Alaska, drafted Kershaw, jumped on the A’s bandwagon, sold much jazz and reflected quietly in 4th.

Off the Grid Garrett

Off the Grid Garrett

Let’s just say as they nurtured their bodies, spirits and minds, the Hoppers stayed laser focused.

Final Team Review:
Davis Hoppers – A year of perfection. A perfect draft, a perfect set of trades, Pence, Benoit, Meija and Crawford. Perfect pitching and the strongest batting numbers in over a decade from one team. I did lose some hair, some sleep and a few friends but still pretty amazing. All hail!

Mighty Mighty Pitchers
Doug tried the tactic of drafting all pitchers and riding the Rockies and Pirates bats. Jordy fucking Mercer. He only played the waiver wire at the end. Amazing how he built this team. Seriously, Rob Cavestany assembled a better roster of Filipino rockers then the mess that Doug had filling his roster spots. His bats surprisingly kept him in contention, and that pitching. Probably the best staff in the history of this league. Bum, Greinke, Waino, Zimm and a late season add of Liriano. Wowwy Dougie.

Santa Monica Junebugs
This guys gets so much press time in our league, I don’t want to waste another typed word on him. Fuck you and enjoy third place you asshole. I hope you like the smell of our asses standing over your third place finish. That’s what you get for drafting Gallardo and Grilli. Now go have your baby and text me back. Seriously why haven’t you texted me back? Are you golfing? Eating with June…???

The Brownies
In some drunken half clothed late night opium den, Yoshii had Garrett cuffed to his bed post and hit accept. What the fuck was this trade.

What the fuck is this trade

What the fuck is this trade

Enough said

Early Season Dominators
Gags he did it again. Got the league buzzing with an early season run, but then it happened. London catalog meetings, Urie, basketball games, Candy, trips with the wife, Urie, dude weekends another lost season. The common rule of this league is that you can’t win it with Latos on your roster. Bottom line. I actually wrote this before the season was over and I had Gags at 7th place. His final day of the season gave him 2 points so he fucked himself for next year’s draft day. Enjoy Cliff Lee.

President of the Canseco Fan Club
J “FUCKING L — one of the greatest dudes ever, inherited a team of studs. He is a fantasy maven and I assure you that this kid will win our league soon. He has the look of a fantasy stud, oversized thumbs, a bit of a buddha belly, a collection of A’s hats and a few fantasy hockey league championships on his shelf. He got Homered this year, but made the best draft day pick with Dee Gordon’s 62 free bags.

Drippy Drawers
One word describes it, disappointing. This is rare air for him down in the bottom half. Maybe he sandbagged us to get Goldie, or maybe he too got a bit of the wife itch and decided to travel the world. Mike was busted by Tulo. Heartbroken by Headley, season ruined by a Fiers fastball to Stanton’s face and the demise of Shelby Miller…ugly.

jim
Crestfallen

Bartolo
Soldan is the man of many names. Better than last year…but jerked by Gyroko and drafting two closers in rounds one and two tend to kill your chances. It’s time to rethink the front office and possibly bring in LaRussa.

Foley
[Purposely left blank because we get to name his team next year]

And finally the year end awards:

Best High Value Draft Pick:
The 234 Pick — Santa Monica Pimps draft Charlie Blackmon (Have a year)

Worst Draft Day Blunder:
Domonic Brown in Round 2 by the Pimps (He’s a softie)

Worst Drunk Dump of 2014:
On May 11 4:31 PM, Davis Hoppers dropped Josh Harrison

Best Waiver Trolling:
On Thu, Apr 10 9:34 PM. Davis Hoppers added Alfredo Simon

The Worst Hitting Roster Ever:
Axel Foley with only 582 runs, 131 HRs, 623 RBIs and 61 SBs. That is 1/2 of the average top three stats for each of those four categories.

The Best Pitching Staff Ever (Sans the saves category)
The Mighty Decibels with an outstanding 1257 Ks, 107 Wins, 2.915 ERA, 1.156 WHIP

The Player most likely to have an STD:
Peter Bourjos, dude was dumped and picked-up more times than LiLo.

Foley droooools

Foley droooools

Here’s to some spirited Fall Ball, Winter Meetings that include a trade of David Wright to the A’s, the Cubs on the front cover of SI, Lester signing with the Cubs and Carlos Gomez swinging his helmet off and a full NO PEPPER roster in Phx this year.

On to 2015 where The Hoppers will repeat

Some of the seasons best GIFS:

Crushed

Crushed

No stache no hitter

No stache no hitter

He will be loved in Boston

He will be loved in Boston

RIZZO RULES

RIZZO RULES

Run Carlos Run

Run Carlos Run

Sorry Yosh

Sorry Yosh

Bye bye bye bat

Bye bye bye bat

A Gift GIF

A Gift GIF

Colon swings

Colon swings

Champs

Champs

ADIOS TO THE PUIG!

Puig Spidey Webbed by the League Champ.

Puig Spidey Webbed by the League Champ.

READ THE 2013 NO PEPPER WRAP
READ THE 2012 NO PEPPER WRAP

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