2015 No Pepper Wrap – The Ace of Bass

Aces High

The date September 30, 2014: 

Somewhere in Georgia.

Doug Jacobson owner of the second place Mighty Decibels reviews the season. Basement door closed, papers scattered across his aluminum card table, memories of Ryan Ludwick and Jordy Mercer failing to fill in the offensive gaps to give him that final boost of the No Pepper chalice. So revered, but yet so far away. He dug deep into his soul and cassette collection to find some inspiration. He found it, his 1985 recorded version of Celtic Frost’s To Mega Therion. He flipped open the plastic case, pulled out the BASF cassette, mumbled to himself, placed it in his York tape player and hit play. He held down fast forward and there it was “Eternal Summer” his favorite song. He closed his eyes, ripped off his Vince Young 2005 Texas National Championship muscle tee and dropped to his knees. The ground rumbled, rolled, his card table tipped over, clothes in flames, he opened his eyes and in front of him a stapled together set of papers. He thumbed through it deciphering the demonic legalese, he knew what this was. A contract, his soul for the prime playbook to finally win the championship. One of the last remaining league elders to have been shut-out in the 2000s, he knew this was his last year to pull it off before his stellar pitching model finally broke. He consulted with the local Oddfellows, called his college roommate and knew he had to make this decision.

Later that evening….

Doug opens the basement door, walks down the stairs, digs through his Pony shoebox of cassette tapes, looking for the right background essence for this final moment. Passing over his Exodus Bonded by Blood, his Helloween Walls of Jericho and his King Diamond Abigail. There it was 1989’s Annihilator Alice in Hell. Nothing but Randy Rampage’s raw and emotional vocals on “Wicked Mystic” to accompany this moment. Doug grabbed his Throbbing Member headband, tied it around his forehead, sat down, pulled out his bald eagle pocket knife and proceeded to slice open his left palm. He dipped his pen in the blood and signed on the line. He waited but nothing…hours, and hours, but still nothing.

The morning of October 1, 2014….

Doug wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and takes the dog for a walk. He sees something in the distance a flashing light, he walks towards it, leaving Fluffy behind to mind to herself. His walk now becomes a run, now a sprint. He gets to the edge of a hill and there he sees a spade sticking out of hill. He grabs the handle and starts to dig. His hand, heavily bandaged from his demonic promise of brotherhood, begins to throb. He hits something…a thump in the dirt. He digs faster, gets on his knees and pulls the metallic box out of the ground. On the box was this symbol…

Screen Shot 2015-10-14 at 2.51.24 PM

 

DOUG’S ACE OF SPADES. He opens the box, and he pulls out the Book of Hope. The guide to winning the No Pepper Championship written by Jeff Spears, Russ Eisenman, Jim Yoshii, Jody Anthis, Mark Abbott and a forward by Matt Dunn. This was it, he thought, my ticket to finally winning this thing. He put the book back in the box, and ran home.

Fast forward to March 22, 2015…

Draft day…Exodus playing in the background, Doug opens the box to find the cheat sheet section in the back of the book. He thumbs through each page, giving him a detailed strategy of how to draft, who to take first, who not to take in the early rounds (written by Bill Gagnon) and most importantly how to not work the waiver wire (written by Garrett Shelton). It was all there. He held over his aces, Bum, Greinke, also Arenado, Billy Hamilton and Matt Carpenter…even kept Jordan Zimmermann. It was as if this draft was on auto-pick. He closed his eyes, Robert Plant style, and the picks kept coming. Exodus still blaring, Doug mumbling in tongues, middle relievers, Gerrit Cole, more middle relievers, A.J. Pollock, on and on. His team was self populating on ESPN. The time was now.

Sunday October 3, 2015…

Doug now shirtless, riding his steed through Buckhead and the streets of Atlanta, finds himself in first place. The rest of the league in some sort of coma, his team dominates from the All-Star Break to the end of the season. He celebrates without his second draft pick Jumbo Trumbo and wins it by 22 points, not the greatest No Pepper victory of all time. This was: Screen Shot 2015-10-01 at 4.10.41 PM

But hey who’s counting. $900 later and our resident Incubus has his victory. What’s next….

For the rest of us:

Fuck that was one brutal season. I think every team in this league went through bouts of injuries, making us all crave a return to the PED years where it wasn’t just massive craniums but ridiculous recovery times. Guys bounced back from injuries faster than Hillary recovers from a Republican smear campaign. Oh those were fun years, and this year was not. Offensive guys went down with injuries like ripping muscles from bones, (see Matt Adams), crumbled hands (see GC Stanton), concussions (see Aoki, Morneau), broken fibulas, (see Utley and Denorfia), on and on. Studs missed significant time this season which resulted in offensive pain. Pitchers sucked and lacked consistency, closers gave up bombs and the Cubs are one series away from the World Fucking Series.

HERE ARE THE TEAM WRAPS:

I’m not sure what happened, but I think Doug’s little deal with the Devil left the remainder of the league in a deep deep slumber. I hope to God it’s not our league Jump the Shark moment:

Shark

CHAMPION:

The Ace of Bass – Dougie Fresh:

I said it all already…congrats to Doug. A few statistical anomalies that only the devil can provide:

  1. Nolan Arenado had a season of a lifetime – 97/42/130/2 .287 – He stayed mysteriously healthy for the first time in his career, even when he rolled over the tarp at At&t Park.

041415_col_arenado_catch_med_3vvcco76

 

 

 

2. A.J Pollock goes bonkers and for once stays off the DL, again an act of Satan himself? 110/19/74/39 .315

3. He avoids every single player coached by Matt Williams. The rest of the league jinxed by the worst manager in baseball. Not one National on his team…how did he know? The devil is in the details. He did have Jordannn Zimmmmermmmannn but that again, a devilish anomaly.

Leave Matt Williams you're awful

Leave Matt Williams you’re awful

 

 

 

 

 

 

2nd Place

2014 Champion The Davis Hoppers – Me: 

Oh come on, are you fucking kidding me with this team? Couldn’t have had more injuries that punished me all year, hence Hunter Pence and Grilli. I made trades for guys coached by Matt Williams and that was a huge mistake. Papelbon is a punk, but Bryce Harper and Matt Williams can both fuck right off for that end of year crumbling. All said, I did the best with what I had and I’m happy with where I ended this season. Now in 2016, with absolutely no holdovers, I might crack open the Danzig II Lucifuge to rebuild this squad.

3rd Place – Tie

WHAT THE FUCK…AM I REALLY WRITING THIS —- The Garden Grove Gobblers – Gags: 

Well let’s start here, he held over the 2005 Phillies including Tejada’s leg breaker and some nice talent like Carlos Gonzalez, Buster Posey and Todd Frazier. He drafted incredibly well. Scherzer, Blackmon, Rondon and Hamels and for once, he actually took his iPad to London. He logged-on, tapped a Boddingtons, researched some pitchers and actually worked the waiver wire to gain 5 needed points to earn a tie for 3rd place. It was literally one win by Joel Peralta that sealed his date with infamy for Show.

3rd Place – Tie

Jim

He ended up in 3rd only because he bush leagued last season to get the first pick of Goldschmidt and drafted fairly well. Yes Shelby Miller was a win category dud, but Harvey and Wacha were solid starters. All said I was worried about him in August when he was in 2nd place at 65 points, but travels to Nashville, A’s Games, Warriors championships and it was clear that Shandler’s List took 2015 off to enjoy the rest of his life.

5th Place

No Trades For Me – Martin

I sent him an email during the season. No response for a week…then I got this – “No” (thanks for the detail dude)

Will I write about your team – “No”

Did you underperform with your untradeable, non-keepers – “Yes”

6th Place

Miracles happen when the league falls asleep – Spears

With 33.4% of the season left to go, Spears was in deep last place. Like 10 points behind 9th place. But he made trades…Mike Martin pay attention here. He rebuilt his team, filled in some holes and put his team back in contention. He was in 3rd place with 3 days left in the season. He traded Lynn for Votto and most of his bats, sans Dickerson and Puig, came back to play. He was punished by terrible injuries and still made a valiant run for the money.

7th Place

New Guy – Thompson

Nice work dude. There was a point where your team made a run at 3rd place. You inherited some absolute shit from Foley and your top two draft picks went down with injuries. Great first season and you have nice quality holdovers for 2016.

8th Place 

Latos’ did jinx your season just not real life – Luengo 

Ok, so as predicted, you put a ring on your finger and your team didn’t hit dingers. JL got married in September and unfortunately Mrs. JL put the kaibash on fantasy baseball. He added two players from 9/1 until the end of the season. Austin Jackson and Justin Miller. So sad for the league, but so happy for you buddy. Love you and your wife. Now get her pregnant.

You never know who you'll find hiding in the vines. Andre Dawson? No Holly!

You never know who you’ll find hiding in the vines. Andre Dawson? No Holly!

 

9th Place 

Kershaw deserves better than this – Shelton

Well the dude can work the waiver wire, he just does while buzzed. Buzzed transactions are just as dangerous as drunk ones. Although, he sat in the cellar for about 3 weeks, he pulled his shit together, put the Jazzerlists on hold and pieced together the first pick in the 2016 draft. So many good players going back to the pool and the CUBS ARE IN THE NLCS! At least Jim left you alone and didn’t harass you into another opium induced trade.

10th Place 

Come on dude – Soldan

Tom I don’t really know you. I don’t think we’ve ever met in person, so please don’t take this as a social media, one way, bullying blog rant, but you really sucked this year. I hear you’re a great dude, and I’m sure you’re a busy man, but you kept Tulo on your roster after he was traded to Toronto for over two weeks AND you only added 20 players all season. That’s not going to cut it. So you get a new team name, and the last pick in the draft. Not a good showing brother. Well at least you burned your old flames’ letters.

END OF SEASON AWARDS: 

Best High Value  Draft Pick: 

232nd Pick – Francisco Cervelli, The Hoppers

236th Pick – Randal Grichuk, Jeff Luengo

Worst Draft Day Blunder: 

6th Pick – Kolten Wong, Brownouts (Just awful)

Worst Drunk Dumping Ever:

Screen Shot 2015-10-14 at 4.43.59 PM

 

Best Waiver Trolling:

Yoshii – Dude doesn’t pay attention until some hot tight bodied rookie is called up…Piscotty, Suarez, Jake Lamb and Wisler, also picked up a slew of other first timers that he subsequently dumped.

Worst Hitting from an Amazing Roster:

Last in Runs, HRs, RBIs with Puig, Dickerson, Marte, Matt Adams, Ryan Braun, Rendon, Aramis Ramirez and Lucroy. Injuries can do a lot of damage.

Best Starting Pitching Staff of the season:

By far it was the Decibels, three pitchers with over 200Ks and one with 166K. Bum, Greinke, Cole, Zimmermann and Corbin. His strategy finally paid off because he grabbed some solid bats. Nice season Dougie

What a shitty season for the rest of us, but for Doug it’s no longer Braves’ Country it’s Doug’s Country. Congrats my friend.

Screen Shot 2015-10-14 at 4.55.54 PM

Some of the best GIFs of 2015:

Tabata ruins Scherzer's perfect game

Tabata ruins Scherzer’s perfect game

 

Bryce Harper is not a winner. Not even in this fight

Bryce Harper is not a winner. Not even in this fight

 

Stanton broke his hand on this? Pussy

Stanton broke his hand on this? Pussy

 

Haha. He can read?

Haha. He can read?

 

Heston no hits Mets

Heston no hits Mets

 


 

Kang Denorfiaed

Kang Denorfiaed

 

Meet Odubel he who saves no-hitters

Meet Odubel he who saves no-hitters

 

Wilmer Flores is a big fat pussy

Wilmer Flores is a big fat pussy

 

The Schwarboard

The Schwarboard

Ichiro pitched

Ichiro pitched

 

For Spears and Gags

A Gift GIF For Spears and Gags

 

 

READ THE 2014 NO PEPPER WRAP

READ THE 2013 NO PEPPER WRAP

READ THE 2012 NO PEPPER WRAP

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