66.6% Until The End And There is a Demon Rising

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Doug sees the number of the beast and he gets very excited. I mean uncomfortably excited. He rubs his forearm tattoo of Oystein Aarseth, closes his eyes and looks towards the sky uttering some mumbo jumbo about long living Mayhem and their Dead buffet. Just so we’re clear Doug, I used it as a percentage to represent how much of this shitastic season has already gone by…and frankly not quick enough. The scariest thing is the irony of the number and the demon on the rise that Doug just can’t stay away from…it’s an Incubus. Demonic Brown is the anti-christ and will ruin everything. I’m serious, he is a bigger curse than Latos, although for some reason, our resident Beezlebub might ride this slithered tongue whiff God to the championship. He’s like Bran Stark riding the back of Hodor. Possessing wolves and pitchers to take him to the promise land. Enough of the demon talk, let’s recap what’s happened up to this point.

Demon Dominator has a commanding lead = Boring and frightening all at the same time.

Hoppers cobbled together a frankenteam and are somehow still fighting. = Yay for me

Bill The Ripper is still hanging around and his team looks kinda good = This can’t last with this travel schedule. 57K miles on his last trip to London doesn’t equal waiver wire action. Do you even use the free First Class wi-fi Bill? Tsk Tsk.

YoshiiBots is having a nice season = Nobody cares but he keeps starting Rockie pitchers and tracking the BA Prospect list so that should spell doom

Rumples are in 5th? Wow I wrote that and then I had to triple check my work. Yes 5th = Patience for Fernandez, ****CURSE ALERT**** (see below)

Runs has just been bitten by the injuries. He gets the MD award for keeping the mind healthy while the body dies. Mike Stanton is officially injury prone. Call me let’s talk trade.

Mr. Husband Luengo surprises us all with a 6th place showing. Not bad, but he’s slipping now that he’s married. It’s the Pepper law. You put a ring on the finger and team hits NO dingers. Yes I just registered that with the trademark office.

The Brownouts have truly hit the skidmarks and it’s showing, but it was to be expected. Will Myers and David Wright might be the same player just a decade apart.

Soldan just slipped to 9th and I am bit shocked how badly his team was gutted at the trade deadline. Saddest #HugWatch of them all.

Then the shockers of all shockers. Spears on August 3rd, 2015 is still in last place. I blame global warming. This is just weird and unexplainable. Maybe the world is ending and the glaciers have melted spreading some virus has spread through his roster.

FINAL SEASON STANDINGS:

Who wins it? —> Doug should win this thing, but I am going to keep to my prediction below…see below in bold, yes those words that are bolded and italicized, the ones that predicted that the AC would make a run at the title. I think he does because I believe that in bats. Don’t be surprised if the Hoppers piece together a blockbuster trade to create some havoc, but the arms just aren’t there for me. Metalmayhem pulls it off even without Marlon Byrd, Trumbo and with the Demon. Yoshii is a 2016 team…

Who gets 1st pick??? —> Spears will end up in 9th to claim first pick and the rest of them will battle out for 2-8. I fully expect a last place finish battle between The Brownouts and Soldan, but I don’t expect Soldan to even notice since he still has Tulo on his roster…still. Tom — when your player is traded to the AL and he still has option years, he’s gone. Yes it’s sad, but when you dump Tulo I want you to walk over to your closet, pull down the rope to your attic, climb up the stairs, open the box titled “Memories” take out your letterman jacket, and in that small box labeled “Julia” remove every single letter she wrote to you, yes even the one where she told you she loved you and yes the one she sprayed with Hello Kitty perfume and kissed with her glittery lipstick. All of them. Take them out back, open the recycling bin, this is paper my friend, and throw them all away. Memories of Tulo and Julia belong in one place, the past.

Just so you guys know that I am no bullshit con artist, I pay attention to all of your moves…everyone of them. I hack into smartphone cameras and I watch you. I watch everything. Bill seriously…here is what I predicted at the beginning of the season…pretty spot on, even predicted Gags in second…

10. JL – Holes. Stanley Cup should keep you busy this summer.

9. Garrett – Pitching. Kershaw and Kennedy and then what?

8. Martin – Just can’t see this team gelling. Lots of locker room nonsense with KRod strangling Mike Stanton’s step-dad

7. Doe – Spirited run but wheels fall off

6. Eisenman – Just not a fan of the other guys. Holdovers were awesome, other guys not so much

5. Soldan – Good year, good draft but the pitching will bite him in the butt.

4. Yoshii – Why not. Team is mediocrely good.

3. Spears – Pitching. Bats look good, OF is one for the ages, but this might be a tough year and for Spears that means 3rd place.

2. Gags – Just like the Clips, all that talent and no championship. Now that Spears is a full-time UME consultant, Gags will have some interesting tips on who to trade for and pick-up. I’m sensing collusion. The biggest and best runs of his Pepper career. The league will be cheering him on to win, but nothing can stop the mighty mighty DOUGTONES….

1. Doug – The pitching and the pitching, the pitching. Upgraded his bats from last year and has the makings of a solid championship team. I hate Garrett Cole, but whatever, he’s the fourth starter on this team. Need to trade for a bat. Scooter wins Championships.

I’m impressed with myself.

So here are some of the other ridiculous BS things I’ve seen from you guys this season…a few lessons to remember as we move on to 2016:

Lesson 1: Patience is a virtue. Smoking weed, building a Jazzamatazz playlist and checking your stats should not equal a waiver wire hell hole like the The Brownouts have…Dumping hole fillers all because of one bad night of stats. That’s what cutters do. You’re not a cutter. Do you need to feel? If so, then call one of us and we’ll talk you down. 89 moves and counting. His team has a #HugWatch everyday. They clean their lockers before they leave just to be sure they’re prepared. Look we all get pissed off at our players…I am a recovering addict here, but it’s time to control your emotions and just enjoy the ride with who you’re with…

Lesson 2: Never trust a Demon. They speak in tongues, they visit young children in the hospital just to steal their souls. Demonic Brown and his brother Mat Latos are both spawns from the underground and yet they still occupy valuable positions on Pepper rosters. Look back and you will see that both of these players destroy dreams through their siren songs.

Lesson 3: The curse of Foley is upon us. Yes. This was the one season warrior who did nothing but draft and sign every Giant he could grab, but he made two trades…two that will forever live in infamy. One he traded the Hoppers Jenry Meija for Erving Santana…now that seems like a fair trade right, well both of these players had their seasons cut short because they claim…their protein shakes were purposely spiked with Stanozolol. Seriously they both said the same thing, so are we to believe that there is a Bill Cosby muscle chubber running around the Dominican in the off-season? Back to Foley. So both of those players were lightning rods in 2014, I mean they actually led in several categories and now they both are out of the NL. The final Foley curse victims? Spears traded Marte for Mike Minor in 2014 with Foley. By the way that is one lopsided trade, but we all know Mike Minor hasn’t pitched in 2015 and 2016 is up in the air unless he can get that shoulder bolted down Peavy style and and and and my favorite part of this curse. STARLING MARTE!!! Yes Starling fucking Marte has cursed the Pimps. Now and forever!

Lesson 4: Tradline is lame –> That’s right, the Phillies finally sold and they gutted their team for some nice young meat,, and that definitely handicaps the rest of our league. Closers shifted, see Storen, starters left, see Cueto and Hamels, batters bailed, see my Gomez and Tulo, and for the most part the players left the NL for the AL again. This will have a lasting impact on the rest of 2015. The tradeline is garbage and it’s full of fake Twitter accounts and dumb rumors. God I wish Kimbrel was moved to the Yankees, oh and let’s not forget that the waiver deadline is coming up. Next year, remember who you draft because they might be headed to the great white north with Tulo.

Lesson 5: Leave the young boys alone –> Yoshii loves the young meat like most Boy Scout troop leaders, but the young meat can bit you in the ass. Oh Jim likes it that way too. If you draft too  many of them, they fuck with your batting average, see Joc Pederson, or they get sent back to AAA, see Conforto or they get hurt, see Archie Bradley. So the lesson here…wait it out. Let them rot another Pepper roster…see Trevor Story.

Lesson 6: Never fall in love with a ballplayer –> You guys have all seen Bull Durham, we should have followed the simple rules set out by the old haggy bug eyed Susan Sarandon as Annie Savoy, never make it last…well true ballplayer love is risky and makes you do the darnedest things, like believing that someone else is going to pick-up that piece of garbage on the waiver wire just because you love him. We don’t all love him, frankly can anyone tell me, without looking, how many home runs Chris Denorfia has this season? I bet Garrett knows…it’s 1 home run. Garrett’s love for Chris runs very very very deep…look at this:

Added from Waivers by The BrownoutsJun 26, 4:30 AM
Dropped by The BrownoutsJun 23, 6:02 PM
Added from Free Agency by The BrownoutsJun 10, 9:31 PM
Dropped by The BrownoutsJun 10, 3:15 PM
Added from Free Agency by The BrownoutsJun 09, 6:14 PM

He’s was a FA for literally three days. Denorfia’s line 11/1/14/0/.280 he has 40 hits. Now look I am just as guilty, see my Nick Ahmed. Dump after you fuck ’em. Words to live by in Fantasy Baseball.

That’s all I’ve got boys. It’s time to get cracking and put some pressure on Damien Jacobsen. Let’s make some trades, let’s have some fun and for God sake, let’s not let the devil win again and remember this:

There are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. I put my faith in Jesus…Now and forever — Amen! 

Russ — Davis Hopper Daddy

 

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