Mock Shelton Wins the Annual Mike Martin Golden Chalice of No Pepper

12 Oct

 

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Date: October 21, 2015:

Somewhere in Northern California

This story starts on October 21, 2015. Fernando Rodney, hat tilted and his heart jilted, sadly stares at Daniel Murphy (homophobe) rounding the bases to put the Mets ahead 8-3 in the NLCS. Garrett Shelton, a lonely, prideful young man, head drooped and a small tear falling down his cheek into his half empty, water logged glass of Bushmills Black. Another heartbreaking year of almosts for Mr. Shelton. He was sitting on his nightly stool in a North Beach dive bar called the Saloon, opened since 1861. He picked his head up and saw a glimpse of himself in the smoky back bar mirror. Bushy beard, bloodshot eyes and hair greased to his head. “When was the last time I took a shower,” he said to himself. He tried to conjure up a smile, but with this latest Cubs sweep, he didn’t have it in him. He finished in 9th place in the No Pepper fantasy league, jazz sales were on the decline, his last $20 bill was burning a hole in his pocket. He needed a change. He pulled out his phone and shuffled through his contacts, bleary eyed, he looked for a girl, anyone that could lift his heart. No one…just a series of names that conjure up memories of broken hearts and lost dreams. Oh Garrett was lost. He screamed at the top his lungs, lunging from his tear drenched stool, “OH GOD MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAY! BRING ME HAPPINESS!” He dropped back down on his stool, the bartender giving him a stern warning to “Never do that again Garrett, or your ass will be on the street.” He dropped his head on the bar and wept. At that moment someone tapped his shoulder. He picked his head up and looked back and saw an older but very familiar gentleman. Garrett stared at him…it was his favorite arranger, conductor, composer, it was Claus Ogerman.

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Claus was a good friend to Garrett back in 2008, but it had been many years since the two had seen each other. Mr. Ogerman looked pale and frail. He held a long brown cigarette in one hand, and in the other a small notebook. He told Garrett, “I am a composer and an arranger, and I will help you arrange and compose your perfect Fantasy roster.” Garrett smiled and took the notebook. He thumbed through the notebook and noticed that every page was blank. Garrett looked up, but Mr. Ogerman was gone. Garrett stumbled off his stool, grabbed the notebook and his peaky blinder. He ran out the front door, daylight blinding his bar eyes. He looked east and looked west, but Mr. Ogerman was gone. An older homeless gentleman, looked at Garrett. He said “Some old white dude with a brown cigarette gave this to me to give to you.” It was a vinyl record, it was the classic “Across the Crystal Sea” from Danilo Perez, Claus Ogerman and deep in the liner notes, you can find Garrett Shelton, release coordinator. On the record cover was a small post-it note that said, “Go to the Crystal Sea, bare it all and your perfect fantasy roster will be delivered.”

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Over the next few months Garrett traveled the world looking for the Crystal Sea. He flew to Ireland, Spain, Canada but nothing. After hundreds of baptismalesque dips into lakes and oceans, nothing happened. No team. He scoured the Internet, searching and searching for any lake or sea named Crystal. He changed his diet, started to meditate, trimmed his beard, smiled more and through this process a new Garrett was born. Lighter, happier, fitter, but still no Crystal Sea. Many say it’s not the destination that helps you find gold, but the journey of life. It was a trip he took with friends that changed it all. After going off the grid for a week and hiking the glaciers, Garrett stumbled on an open lake. He opened his backpack and pulled out the Crystal Sea record. He held it up and it looked exact. He took off his clothes and slowly dipped his toes into the frigid lake. Record in hand, he held it up to the God’s of the lake and starting asking for his gift from Claus. The Earth trembled and shook, players emerged from the lake. Trea Turner, Chris Carter, Oh from Korea, Piscotty…all of them. Like the Loch Ness monsters, they emerged from the lake. Deep in the background, beyond the trees, Jon Lester appeared from the granite hills. Kris Bryant from the open canyon. Kershaw and Syndegaard both larger than life rose like the sun between the mountains. His gift had been delivered. Garrett, with a little extra greed, asked for one last thing…a “W” for the Cubs this post season. A World Series victory! Had he asked too much? He wouldn’t know until the end of October.

Garrett traveled to Phoenix for the annual draft, drinking and baseball extravaganza. Everyone noticed a new giddy-up in Garrett’s step. He drank water, laughed with the boys and drafted well. His team was strong, he had holes, but he had his notebook with all the answers. Trade away the best player in baseball to get Jon Lester. He did it. On October 2nd, 2016, the Brownouts won it all.

Late in April, Garrett saw a tweet that paralyzed him. Claus Ogerman was dead. Nobody knew if it was true, or when it happened, but Garrett knew. He was old and looked very frail in that bar, but was it the last wish that pushed him over the edge?

For the rest of us:

Champion:

Brown Cigs – Garrett Mock Shelton

BrownCigs bore his soul to the lake Gods, held over the right guys, drafted well and spent four days in Phx mock drafting. He mock drafted through every dinner, every game and every strip club. Mock Shelton won it with amazing pitching, great hitting and some luck. Let’s review how the Gods of the Crystal Sea spirited Garrett to victory.

He went from drafting Kolten Wong first round, to drafting Bryce Harper…he had a shit year and traded him…Claus?? It was one move and one move only that changed the landscape of this season for Garrett…it was Trea Turner. Without the wünderkid Garrett would have fallen o 4th place and Mr. Gags would have won the league…that simple. Let’s look at the rest of his season.

Okay, how about the second and third round.

2nd Round Randal Grichuk – he dumped him

3rd Round Shelby Miller – holy shit how did he win the league

4th Round Piscotty – Okay looking good

5th Round Dexter Fowler – Okay with a solid set of holdover pitchers his OF is good

6th Round Parra – Okay what were the other teams thinking

7th Round Chris Carter – Okay now the power of Claus is starting to kick in

8th Round David Wright – Struck by his great looks

9th Round Derek Norris – Wow early for the bearded Oakland A

10th Round Jace Peterson – Wasn’t on the Brownouts for more than a month

11th Round Fernando Rodney – WTF?? He blew it for your Cubs. Soul sold.

12th Round Freese – Good call

13th Round Oh – Luck that Rosenthal turned to mud

14/15/16th Rounds – JP Crawford (really?), Jordan Walden (never got to see his hop) and Peralta (ERA killer)

So I stand corrected, his draft wasn’t solid. It had to be the waiver wire action. He added over 30 middle relievers. Let’s look:

April 4th he added Aledmys Diaz – Solid year, got hurt, hit, got hurt, traded to me.

April 11th added Trea Turner (What the fuck Gags)

May 4th added Jameson Taillon

June 20th Randall Grichuk is sent to AAA and Garrett dumps his 1st round pick

Final analysis – He won the league with 8 solid players and the rest is history. Daniel Murphy will always be a homophobe and should be banned from the league. Trea Turner is a champion-maker!

2nd Place Posthumously We’ve Got the Runs

Abbott took over for our long lost friend Mike Martin. He inherited one of the best 6 holdovers in the league. He drafted Votto and should have run away with it. But the injuries hurt him badly. He lost Glass Stanton, Strasburg and Story. He still ended the season with 75.5 points but the Claus won this one.

3rd Place Homebound Gags

This isn’t a fluke now. There a direct correlation with Gags travel schedule during the season and his respectability in the league. This ain’t no scrub team. He had 42 points of pitching and 29 points in hitting. He fucked up by not trading for a bat with some wheels. The Gags is for real and with a solid set of holdovers going into 2017, this might be the year where the asteroid plummets to Earth and the Scrubs get the Dub. Seriously Gags, you made the worst dump move ever, by letting Trea go in April. That move would have won the league for you. You would have been 1st in runs, 5th in HRs, 1st in RBIs, 3rd in SBs and 1st in Batting Avg. One player away Gags. Think twice before you sip and waiver troll.

4th Big Daddy Spears

Well well well, look who has fallen from grace. Looks like June found the good luck pimp chalice buried in the back of the cupboard. After back to back championships, our own Daddy Spears has gone 3rd in 2014, 6th in 2015 and 4th in 2016. Ok so being a Dad is so rewarding and so cool, but there’s nothing cool about a team ERA of 4.029 and your best starter being Jason Hammel followed by Gio Gonzalez and then Jamie Garcia. Not his best year of pitching, but hell is Daddy daughter pics are sooooo cute and adorable. At least he has something to show for it.

5th Pacifica Hoppers

(Pass) – I refuse to say anything nice about 2016, since it kicked me in the ass and left me for dead. All I can say is this…after twice a week therapy, great friends, Buddhist advice, Landmark and a good solid drinking habit, it’s the middle of October and 2017 is on the horizon. My prediction is this…life stabilizes, Bryce Harper has an MVP year and I’m working somewhere amazing.

6th Big Daddy JL

At one point I thought the guy was going to make a run for the ages. He had the bats and the pitching, but injuries and some odd waiver behavior kept him out of it. Seriously, Big Daddy JL is expecting his first child in 2017 and it’s obvious that his queen bee kept him busy painting the nursery, filling out his online baby shower profile at PotteryBarnKids.com and maybe even assembling a crib or a glider. He literally only made 42 waiver moves…that is a recipe for disaster. He was third worst only above the Papel(smears) and Uncle Juice, the two dead beat teams inour league.

7th Place PokeBoy Yoshii

I can’t explain this. His pitching staff might be the worst ever from any champion….yes even worse than the cheater Decibels this season. We’ll get to Doug in a second. Yoshii only made 67 waiver moves, 25 more than JL, clearly explaining his careless behavior in this league. My theory is this…Garrett after years of opium induced poor trades to Yoshii, acquired some form of Yoshii email access or Fantasy access through a Wiki-Leak break. He quietly stayed late one night at 1 Infinite Loop. He printed out over 33,000 emails, some extremely confidential from Jim’s personal email server. Jim of course had a personal email server to keep his Stubhub and Facebook bots running smoothly. Garrett still proceeded and peppered Jim daily with a barrage of black mail emails. He told Jim he would stop if he bailed out this season and let him win it…nothing obvious, no collusion trades, just don’t participate and send him the list of rookies to pick-up. Trea Turner, Jamison Tallisman (I know how to spell it) all look oddly like Yoshii love children, but they mysteriously end up on the Brownouts Championship squad. It’s just a hunch, but it does explain Jim’s odd behavior.

8th Place Big Daddy Soldan

Tom I don’t make the rules but this is getting embarrassing. You look like a great dude with a great life. I could write off 2015 as your honeymoon year with Ashley, but 2016 is the year where life settles down and Fantasy becomes a top priority. Now I don’t know Ashley at all, but she must be a Blue-Blood…oh wait, I see something on Facebook. The dreaded new baby. Born 4/16/16 oh my God, Opening Day baby James Soldan is a cutey, obviously named after James Shields, your first draft pick ever in this league. Fine, I’ll take it easy on you. We all know what happens when the first baby is born. Heck, the early years for me when my first three were born were embarrassing. Look at Spears. Enjoy the new baby and let’s give him another chance boys. Tom one ask —- now that the baby is here and wife is settled in, you are required to attend to Spring Training.

9th Place Pathetic

(Area intentionally left blank like Doug’s starting roster…see below for my comments)

10th Place Uncle Shitshow

Let’s not forget that this season we suffered the saddest deaths in our league. Losing Jose Fernandez #16 to a tragic drunken boat ride in the Miami harbor was just awful. He was one of the best and was only making $3M a year. Moments away from getting the big love. We all felt that sadness when we read the news, but none felt it more than Sean Thompson. Oh wait he didn’t even notice, because he checked out on July FUCKING 3rd, when he picked up Kirk Nieuwenhuis. July 3rd! Really. Only one team has done worse than you in the past decade. Wags purposely quit and put up 22 points so Spears kicked him out. That was five years ago, but you did worse than one hit wonders like Stephen Chavez and Jason Fucking Kriste. He was the guy who only drafted while haggling with his credit guy to get the best offer for that poor lady who just wanted a new accord and he only drafted Cubs. Yes that guy did better than you. His starting line-up had eight Cubs like Ted Lilly, Ryan Theriot, John Grabow, Tyler Colvin and Sean Marshall. He did better than you. Sean, I would argue that if Familia pulled a Meija you would have had the worst team in baseball. All said, I am not impressed that you only had 16 waiver moves. I think I did that in one day. I’m in a generous mood and I’ll lay-off because I don’t know you at all, but pull your shit together and make an effort in the months of May and June. That will make a difference, if not, than please pass along your identification card, username and password to Spears and call it a season.

END OF SEASON AWARDS: 

Best High Value  Draft Pick: 

228nd Pick – Jared Eickhoff The Hoppers

Worst Draft Day Blunder: 

7th Pick – Jason Heyward, Uncle Juice (Heyward just sucks)

Worst Drunk Dumping Ever:

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Best Pick-Up off the Waiver Wire: 

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Worst Hitting from any Roster Ever:

Last in Runs, HRs, RBIs, SBs and Avg. Just awful from Uncle Juice. 606 Runs, 149 HRs, 551 RBIs and 84 SBs and .242. His best hitter was Matt Kemp followed by Zobrist and Galvis. Awful.

Worst Pitching Staff of the Season: 

Sean oh Sean oh Sean….The Shark was your best starting pithcer.

Player Most Likely to Have HPV

Jace Peterson was on 5 different teams in our league…but he’s so handsome.

Player that Most Likely will be Scorned in Northern Orange County

The Curse of the Scrubs

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Congrats Garrett to a well fought 2016! The steak dinner is yours and so is the $900 of love. Spend it wisely my friend. Let’s have a great holiday season, Go Cubs, Go Doyers, New League Kids from JL, No Divorces, Jobs secure and I’ll see you all in Phoenix.

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Memories of 2016

Only one for this year.

READ THE 2015 NO PEPPER WRAP

READ THE 2014 NO PEPPER WRAP

READ THE 2013 NO PEPPER WRAP

READ THE 2012 NO PEPPER WRAP

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doug’s Roster looks like this:

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words can’t express my sadness when I see behavior like this…but as Glenn Danzig always says, It’s a Long Way Back from Hell.

 

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